i havent blogged lately :/ so much going on hold shit. weird things with brian. weird things with my life.
lets start with brian.
okay so for the first time last thursday i didnt care he was near me, i didnt care he was hanging out. i just didnt care. and i showed it. didnt pourposly be bitchy but acted like he was any other person. and it fucking bothered him. he flipped out. it was a little werid being that he never talks to me unless he hook up but he tried to tell me thats not how it is. like seriously…how am i suppose to react to that? your the most confusing guy i have ever met and i thought i had met some prettty confusing guys before. but ugh for some reason i cant stay away even though i know its bad idea…i mean obviously. !!!! and wait..thw first time i do stay away he hates it and freaks out and wants my attention. like wtF? boy MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND.
but honestly not like any of this matters.
im fucking moving to new york in 2 weeks. yeah. like cute little surbian town to the buggest city in the us. all on my own. i know this is like huge for me and a big leap but im fucking scared.. im leaving everything ive ever known in my whole life. im going to get off the plane go to my apartment and sit down and then what? i have no friends. i know no one. i talk about how alone i feel sometimes sourrounded by people i know and love and love me. but this is like for real. im going to be in a city where i am 1 in like 5 million. or more then that. god the thought makes me have a fucking panic attack holy fuck i cannot handel this. and plus i know its dumb but any hope i had of brian and i getting back together is gone. it doesent even matter what happends from here. im moving away and by the time im back he sgoing to have had sex with other girls and maybe even like someoen else. i thougth makes me illl. i dont like to be forgotten. and i know hes going to forget me/.
ugh havent posted in a few days:/ been so side tracked with everything. ugh so much going on. brians hasnt talked to me this week at all but honestly, yeah i still check his facebook a thousand times daily and i guess for some reasson delted his number form my phone. dont know why i did that…because i still wait for him to text me. but lately awesome friends have been there for me and i know i can vent to them. over all ive beeen..okay. there just so much that has happen…. ahhhh!
k friday i got a dui NOT FUCKING CHIILLLL payed 5000 bucks to get my car out of car jail :/ but finally have ti back and have my licends for the next month. i hvaee told like 3 people. no one can find out ! expeccallllly brian he HATES THAT I sometimes drink and then drive hedd be so mad hold shit. but whatever its over with. also im moving to NYC. new place new everythig. i can reenvent myself and im stoked about it. scared to death though, i know no one. and will be living in my own appartment with 2 roommates whom i dont know. fuck. like who am i going to call to like hangout? i will have no one and im 2000 miles from home on the west coast. freaking out ! i havent told anyone about that either. im afriad of the reaactions :/ god i keep so much inside of me its ridiclious. like how havee i not exploded after 18 years of this? fuck i need to be drunk
love this. ugh sooo true
has happen lately :/ ugh sorry i havent been posting ive been sooo busyy! gah where do i even start..
k so lets see last friday i was at my friends at a party, brian was there for a little and we talked briefly… seriously like about 4 mins. NOTHING RIGHT?? then he leaves, okay whatever im going to enjoy my night. so then about 2 hours later he texts me “miss youu” blah blah we talk and then askes if i want to com over after im done. MIND YOU I HAVENT SPOKEN TO HIM IN LIKE A WEEK AND BEFORE THAT WE HAD A TERRIBLE CONVERSATION AND IT ENDED BADLY. so im like okay (ofcourse cause im a push over) and i drive over, it really late but whatever..he comes out and we talk. then he grabs my hand and like pulls me in to kiss and im like k ill go along with it. so i do and one things leads to another and we you knoww…..for like a good 2 hours or at least an hour and a halff. so anyways, BY NOW IM LIKE WTF IS GOING ON THIS IS LIKE A COMPLETE 180. seriously so confused !! so it gets later and then he has work so we seperate and he goes back in side. im going home completely like flabbergasted at him FUCK GUYS ARE CONFUSING JESUS CHRIST. so that was a week ago tomorrow…havent heard a thing from him.
but my good friend, well call her K, talked to him like 2 nights ago and she asked him whats going on with you and (me) and hes like “i honestly hvae no idea” or something like that..and i head that and im just like wtfff. sewrioiusly im so onfused i dont know whats going on and every text i get i hope its from him. i was to text him sooooooooooo fucking bad but i dont want to bother hiim i just want to know what hes thinking about me, about uss. or if he even cares or eveer did. or if he was just horney that night and coudlnt think of any one else to call. im just so annyed and frusterated :/
on top of that i feel like a god damn cow.
neevr eating again.